Jon-Claude Jon Damme has not only mastered dodging paparazzi and beer cans at gigs, he exists simultaneously in an infinity of universes. In one world, he's reviewing all the products. In another, he's a witty teenaged Instacart Shopper. He's even a Professor of Strings Theory somewhere or everywhere.

In our universe, he's co-pilot of the cargo van and Employee of the Month every month. Maybe he thinks Joe Bon Joey will actually pay those bonuses. We're building a time machine to send Jon to a point in the future when he stops being Employee of the Month so the rest of us have a chance.

Jon-Claude Jon Damme materialized from thin air to be perfect all the time and set unrealistic expectations for the rest of us. We might not be as nice, smart, cool, tall, or good, but we're figuring out ways to sabotage him and are open to all suggestions.